Hall of Shame: Owen Paterson

(This is a story about an event from a while ago, but we’ve only just come across it, and it’s so special that we just had to share it with you.)

We owe you, and the Government, and the Brexiters, an apology.

There we were, telling you that the Brexit camp had no plan for how to achieve an orderly departure from the EU, and it turns out that they’ve been quietly beavering away on plans all along.

Take Owen Paterson MP. Take him as far away as possible, for preference. You may have thought his two inglorious years as Environment Secretary merely served to cement his position as the living embodiment of the sound of somebody walking absent-mindedly into a lamp-post. But you’d be wrong. He has Made Plans. Most specifically, plans to solve the labour crisis that cutting off the flow of immigrant workers will cause.

His solution? Pensioners.

On being questioned about his plans to scrap a scheme for EU migrants, he told cabinet colleagues, “We’ll try to get more British pensioners picking some of the fruit and vegetables in the fields instead.”

You might think this idea a bit half-baked. After all, Granny’s not going to be quite as effective at the back-breaking work of pulling up potatoes than a 20-year old Pole. But Owen’s thought of that too.

“I’ve thought of that too.” he says, “We might arrange to exempt British pensioners from the minimum-wage laws, to allow them to do this work.”

So there’s lovely.

The UK left the EU at 23:00 GMT onFriday 31 January 2020
As of 23:00 GMT on 31 January 2020, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is a third country with respect to the European Union.