Things are not going well here at CoN Towers at the moment. First we had to sack the tea maker for having secret meetings with various biscuit companies behind our backs. Then we sent the office manager to clear up that little misunderstanding with the Inland Revenue about all those offshore accounts we opened, and he somehow managed to get the HR Manager arrested and imprisoned. Which came as a surprise to the HR Manager – she was on holiday in Yugoslavia at the time. And we don’t even want to talk about why the security guard had to leave.
We’re gonna need a bigger bus
There’s a reason it’s not the Spare Bedroom of Shame: we knew we were going to need plenty of space. And indeed there are already three Theresa Mays blundering robotically around in there, exchanging strong-and-stables and tripping over dropped manifesto pledges. Nevertheless, we underestimated. We’re gonna need a bigger hall. Because this week it needs to accommodate the entire Conservative Party.
“If a democracy cannot change its mind, it ceases to be a democracy” said David Davis, back when he was just a normal MP and before he became Minister For It’ll Be Alright On The Night.
Apparently, that ability to change one’s mind lasted only until we decided to leave the EU, and now the democratic thing to do is ignore the results of an election that removed any semblance of a mandate for Brexit and plough on as if the People Want Whatever David Davis Says They Want.
It’s been a few weeks since our last Hall of Shame. The reason for this is simple: after committing to a publication deadline, our management team realised they didn’t have a plan for what they wanted to achieve.
Now, we could have sat down and worked out a plan, and with the clock ticking down maybe that would have been sensible. But instead we decided to waste a few weeks having a vote on which person should be elected the next recipient of the Hall of Shame award.
(This is a story about an event from a while ago, but we’ve only just come across it, and it’s so special that we just had to share it with you.)
We owe you, and the Government, and the Brexiters, an apology.
There we were, telling you that the Brexit camp had no plan for how to achieve an orderly departure from the EU, and it turns out that they’ve been quietly beavering away on plans all along.
This week we are proud and pleased to announce the first ever repeat winner of the Hall of Shame award. Despite strong competition from Michael “let’s boost drug company exports by exporting the drug companies” Gove and Arron “let’s promote a healthy debate by getting rid of all the MPs who disagree with us” Banks, there really could only be one winner.
Step forward, Theresa May.
Choosing the recipient of this week’s Hall of Shame award was our most difficult challenge yet, there were so many worthy candidates. But in the end there can be only one.
Or can there?
Proving that here at CoN Towers we have no more idea of the rules or what we’re doing than Brexit Secretary David Davis, this week we’re awarding the Hall of Shame chequebook and pen jointly to Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn.
Lord Lawson, Chair, Vote Leave campaign, February 2016, before referendum
“Sadly, and it is sad, a bad agreement is all that is likely to be on offer.”
Lord Lawson, March 2017, after referendum
Entering the Brexit Hall of Shame this week, we have Nigel Lawson: diet book author; father of famous TV chef; Baron Lawson of Blaby.
Recently, we’ve seen the re-emergence of some of the elder statesmen of politics. Major, Clarke, Heseltine, even Blair, have all lined up over the past few weeks to warn in careful, measured tones about the risks the nation is running with Brexit, and express compassion for all the people affected by it.
And then there is Norman Tebbit.